Showing posts with label nice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nice. Show all posts

07 November 2015

Funny Messages

11/07/2015 05:46:00 PM  , , , , , ,  No comments



Men are nice people. It’s proven by Friendship Day survey results. 88% wives hate their husband’s friends; Whereas 98% husbands love their wife’s friends!
Girls who marry for money and guys who marry for beauty are equally robbed in the end.
Sign Board In Front Of A Corporate Office:
Drive slowly, don’t kill the employees, leave them to us. We do it in a legal way. Regards, HR
Dealing with idiots is like soccer.
You can use your head, but a swift kick is usually more effective!
I’m pretty sure the inventor of duct tape was a parent who’d had enough!
In a battle between Sleep and Studies, Internet always wins!
Facebook’s ‘Seen’ and Whatsapp’s ‘Last Seen’ were designed to make everyone single!
Sometimes prayers are like emails. When you pray before exam, it goes directly into God’s spam folder!
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore!
When people tell me – “You’re going to regret that in the morning.” I sleep in till noon, because I’m a problem solver!
Apple is the new Onion of the generation Onion Katne pe Bhi Rona Aata Hai, Apple Ka Phone Girne Pe Bhi Rona Aata Hai!
There is a reason why Arnab’s show is called News Hour. In Hindi, it translates to – “Ghanta Samachar”!
You know you’re jobless when you call your 5 friends, out of which 3 don’t pick up your call and 2 say,
“Bhai Abhi Busy Hun Shaam Ko Call Karta Hun”!
And while in Punjab:
Relatives: Aapka Beta Kya Karta Hai?
Father: Engineer Hai Ji.
Relatives: Hum Kaise Maan Lein?
Father: Monty, Uncle Nu Nach Ke Vikha… Chal!
Boy1:Meet my wife Tina
Boy2.Oh! I know her
Boy1:How?
Boy2:v were caught sleeping together
Boy1:What the hell?
Boy2.during lecture in maths class
Think +ve:)
Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream That u were sending me Jewelry and clothes! Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill !!!
God saw me hungry, He created pizza. He saw me thirsty, He created Pepsi. He saw me in dark, He created light. He saw me without problems,He created YOU.
Girl To Her Boy Friend : Darling, Do You Know, Handsome n Smart Boys Always Get Stupid Girl Friends … !!!
Boy :Thankx For The Compliment , Darling ..
Will be Ready in 5 Minutes” said by a GIRL.. and “Will Call you Back in 5 Minutes” said by a BOY Are the same.. !
If we both exchange one rupee, we have one rupee. but if we both exchange one good thought, we have two good thoughts…  wooww…….m kinna wadddda Genius naaa  thnku thnku :p
TEACHER- “It’s better to fail than to cheat”
STUDENT- “LOL No, it’s better to cheat than to repeat”
Ab kya kahe aaj kal k bachho ko..
BOY-your teeth are like stars..
Girl-Awwwww,thanks,are they that shining??
Boy-No,they are far from each other..!!
Means tedhe medhe 
Boy to girl before exam: Hey all the best
Girl: All the best to you too But girl scored 80 marks & boy failed
Moral: Only boys wish with true heart.
Judge: U r crossing the limits. Lawyer: Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai? Judge: How dare you call me saala? Lawyer: My Lord, I said kaun ‘Sa Law’ kehta hai?
Twinkle Twinkle little star, teri girl friend gaye bazar, us ko mil gaya MAJNO ka pyar, ab tu beth ker makhiyan maaar.
My eyes detected My heart reacted Thousand were rejected & Only you were selected. Because I needed a monkey for an advertisement.
Do u know what is GIRL?
G-Ghost
I-In
R-Real
L-Life
So avoid girls & fwd their nos to me.Don’t worry about me.I’m a professional
in ghost handling……
A pathan want to commit suicide, When asked: Why are you crying? Pathan said: My wife ran with my Best Friend & i can”t live without my friend.
Today is International Handsome Boys and Beautiful Girls day! So send this message to someone who looks smart and cute… Be true.. Don’t cheat like me
What is 143 ?
I love u..
No..
I hate u..
No..
I miss u..
No..
I wish u..
NO..
143 means
ONE HUNDRED & FORTY THREE.
Concentrate on Maths,
And not on Romance:)
Evolution of Man:
Without Marriage “Spider Man”
On Marriage Day “Super Man”
After Marriage “Gentle Man”
If wife is beautiful then rest of life
.
.
.
.
“Watch Man”
Things in boys room! Before Marriage: Perfumes Love Letters Gifts Friendship Cards After Marriage: Pain Killers Loan Papers Unpaid Bills List for Shopping Happy Unmarried Life.
Never ask for hug, Just take it. Never ask do you love me, Just say I love you. Never say I can’t live without you, Just say I live for you. You have been trained. Now go and flirt.
Wife: I am the book of your life.
Husband: Yes exactly you are right.
If you were a calendar of my life,
then once a year I’ll change it.
Girl: Will you love me after marriage also?
Boy: This depends on your husband, if he allows me.
If every child starts swapping their mummy papa mobile phones. Soon we will become the country with the highest divorce rate!
Laugh, until U have teeth.. U can Smile Later!!!
Awesome Saying:
In Life,Don’t Be A Rat In A Rat Race Coz Even If You Win You’ll Still Be A Rat, Instead Be With Lions, Even If You Lose You’ll Still Be A Lion!
What’s the similarity between Income Tax and a Caller Tune?
.
..
…
In both the cases, one pays the money and others enjoy.
Human-beings get rich as they grow old:
Silver in Hair;
Gold in Teeth;
Sugar in Blood;
Precious Stones in Kidney;
And a never ending supply of Gas!
I bought a new printer because it was cheaper than ink refills. Now I’m wondering how long before new cars are cheaper than fuel.
A newly wedded desperate soldier sends a hand-grenade to his mother-in-law, with a note:
Dearest Mom,
If you pull this ring, I’ll be able to get 3 days leave.
A teacher sent a note to Pappu’s mother:
“Sincere and bright boy but spends too much time with girls.” Pappu’s mother sent a note back: “Please advise solution, father has same problem!”
Bunty to his friend, “I and Sham were stuck on the escalator for almost 4 hours.
Friend: Why didn’t you walk down?
Bunty: Because we were going up!…………..
Bunty : The mudpack definitely improved my wife’s looks but then…
Sham : Then what happened?
Bunty : It fell off……………..
Why Are Elephants
Large, Gray And
Wrinkly… ?
.
.
.
.
Because
.
.
.
If They Were
Small Round & White
They Would Be
”Aspirins” ;->
Boy U r d Sunshine
Of My Life !
Without U Life’s Like A
Dreamy Cloud !
U r In My Heart Like A
Lovely Drizzle In d Sun !
Girl: Now Go Further
I’ve 2 Listen More
Weather Report :p
Attitude of girls:
When a boy sends dirty sms
she laughs for 10 minutes,
forward dat to her friends n
then replies the boy.
“i dont like that kind of sms ok?” :p ;->
Friends I’m Collecting
Quad Photos
Give Ur Contribution
2 My Collection.
A Small Condition Is
It Must Be On
500 Or 1000 Rupees Note
Teacher:
What should be in a
book to make it a bestseller?
Tommy:
A girl on the cover
and
no cover on the girl.
Define a True Music Lover?
A Girl singing in a Bathroom
While Taking Bath
and a Boy Near the Keyhole
is Using His Ears Not His Eyes.
Teacher says to student, In Algebra
A=B
&
B=C.
It means A=C.
Now give relevant example.
Student: Sir, I love you & You love your daughter,
It means that I love your daughter.
Buyer to seller : is it pure honey ?
How do I know if it is pure honey ?
Seller : give the dog some honey ..
if the dog doesn’t lick it, it is pure honey
Buyer : what if the dog licks it ?
Seller: so it is not a real dog.
Thought of the day:
“if u help a gal when she is in problem,
she will always remember u
only when she is in problem again..!!”
A very old lady teacher of English
ask this question with the class:
When I say “I am beautiful”, which tense is it?
One pupil answered: Its the past tense of course.
143 means?
Do u want to know
what it means?
Press Down..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It means
ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE.
Tomorrow I will teach u 144.
Flowers die,
Stories end,
Songs fade,
Memories are forgotten,
All things come 2 end,
But people like u r remembered forever,
Bcoz GHOSTS NEVER DIE
1 day u’ll B srprisd 2 c ME beside U.
U & ME laughing,
U & ME crying,
U & ME dreaming,
U & ME holding on,
U & ME…
just U & ME sitting in a MENTAL HOSPITAL & ME CHECKING U.
Santa was drawing money from ATM.
Banta, who was just behind him in
the line said: I’ve seen ur password. It’s ****.
Sant: U r wrong. It’s 1394.
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: “What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”
Man on phone:
Doctor my wife is pregnant.She is having pain right now.
Doctor: Is this her first child?
Man: No this is her husband speaking…
A man to Santa:
Your friend is kissing your wife in your home.
Santa rushes home and came back within
half an hour and slapped the man
and said:
“He’s not my friend.”
I always think about U.
I can’t live without U.
I really need U.
I’m totally mad about U.
I just wanna be with U.
I’m crazy 4 U.
I wanna marry U.
I LOVE U.
(My neighbourer say all this to me)
A newly married girl got first class in her B.Ed exams. Her husband sent telegram to her parents – Ruby First Class in Bed!
A Man saw a Beautiful Girl, he Went and Kissed her.
Girl: “STUPID what r u doing?”
Man: B.Com final year”
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper
so I would be in ur hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that u were
a newspapers so I could have
a new one everyday.
A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.
Q: What did the gangster’s son tell his dad when he failed his
examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything.”
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly testimony. “I’ll hear the oldest first,” he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.
Husband: Today is Sunday &
I have to enjoy it.
So i bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why three?
Husband: 1 For U and 2 for ur parents.
This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat,
keep cat, a cat, idiot cat, busy cat, for cat,
20 cat, seconds cat! Now read it all without the word cat!
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
What’s the difference between wife n neighbors wife?
Wife is a chocolate, can have any time. Neighbor’s wife is like an ice-cream, shud hv immediately.
Human brain is the most
outstanding object in world.
It functions 24 hours a day,
365 days a year.
It functions right from the time we are born,
and stop only when we enter the examination hall.
Catch her by her waist…
Bring her home..
Keep ur hand on her neck
Put ur lips on her lips
& have a …
…nice drink…PEPSI
Someday you may lose your hair.
you may lose your teeth- your money & even lose your mind.
But 1 thing you will never loose is your good looks.
because you cant lose what you don’t have!
Love is possible after friendship
but
friendship is not possible after love
because
medicines work before death
later nothing can be cured….!!!
2 men were fixing a bomb in a car.
Men 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
Men 2 : Don’t worry, I have a one more.
Who‘s hot… Its U,
Who‘s
Charming… Its U,
Who‘s
Sweetest.. Its U,
Who‘s
Intelligent… Its U,
Who‘s dear & near friend… Its U
Who‘s a liar.. Its me
Hey friend remember that
without stupidity there can be no wisdom
& without ugliness there can be no beauty
so the world needs YOU after all!
An engineering student to his sweeper brother: I have got degree, I have got knowledge, I can sit in society. What do you have?
Sweeper: I have the job.
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
Gal: Do u have any sentimental love cards?
Shopkeeper: How about this card, it says ‘To the only boy I ever loved’
Gal: Great! I want 10 of them.
Always start your day with a lot of S E X
S-mile
E-energy
X-excitement
so make SEX a daily habit, & u’ll always be SMILING!
Girl: It’s 2 tight
Boy: Don’t worry,I’ll do it slowly,
Gal: Push it in,
Boy: Ah..I can’t,
Gal: It’s painful,
Boy: Forget it.
.
.
.
.
We’ll buy new WEDDING RING!
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
You should know what you are,
And once you know what you are,
Mental hospital is not so far.
Boy and girl of class 2 asked teacher:
“can kids of our age have kids?”
Teacher replied ” NO Never!!”
Boy said to girl :
“see i told you not to worry!!!!”.
Father: Your teacher says she finds it
Impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That’s why I say she’s no good!
Never KISS a lady police,
She will say, hands up.
Never KISS a lady doctor,
She will say, Next please
Always KISS a lady teacher,
She will say, repeat it 5 time
What is the difference between
Monkey & Donkey ?
Monkey saves this message
&
Donkey deletes this message.
Choice is u’rs……..:p
Man: Officer! There’s a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don’t worry. If no one claims it
Within three days, you can keep it.
Whats d height of hope??
It is: sitting in d exam hall,
holding d question paper in hand
n telling Ur self
“dude,don’t worry.
Exams will get postponed!”
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
Man at medical store:I need poison
Chemist: I can’t sell you that
Man shows his marriage certificate
.
.
.
Chemist: Oh! sorry,
I didn’t knew u had a prescription.
Last night was my fault,
my wife asked,
“what’s on the TV?”
and ….. I said, “dust!”
Ladies hostel caught Fire
It took 1 hour to bring the Fire under control
& another 3 hrs 2 bring d Firemen
under control.
What? is a difference between
a Kiss, a Car and a Monkey?
A kiss is so dear,?
A car is too dear and
A monkey is U dear.
Husband: u will never succeed
in making that dog obey u!
Wife: Nonsense it’s only a matter of patience,
I had a lot of trouble with u at first.
Can v do romance in the evening today?
I’m in a good mood
Just a little bit of kissing and biting
reply me soon!
urs lovingly
“MOSQUITO”
If I was an artist,
you would be my picture!
If I was a poet,
you would be my inspiration!
If I was an author you would be my story!
But I’m only a cartoonist!
Boy: I am not rich like Sid, I don’t even have a bid car like Sid. But I really love you!
Girl: I love you too, but tell me more about Sid.
Dream makes everything possible, Hope makes everything work, Luv makes everything beautiful, Smile makes all the above… So always Brush ur Teeth
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife,
You know, I was a fool when I married you.
She replied, Yes dear, I know
but I was in love and didnt notice.
A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl
Now reverse da order, can u guess the full form of: G F E D C B A ?
Girls Forgets Everything Done & Catches(new) Boy Again.
When u feel lonely and alone
& cannot see any one around you,
the world seems to be fading away,
come along with me
i’ll take u to an eye specialist !!
Teacher : What do you call a person
who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
Pupil : A teacher.
Wife: What is 10 years with me?
Husband: A second.
Wife: What is $1000 for me?
Husband: A coin.
Wife: Ok give me a coin.
Husband: Wait a second
TEACHER: Johny, how do you spell “crocodile”?
JOHNY: “K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L”
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
JOHNY: Maybe it’s wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
Two devils came in 2 my dreams.
They said,
“We want 2 disturb some good person.”
I suggest them your name.
They said,
“We cannot disturb our boss.”
Only true friends stand by u
during bad times.
I promise
I will attend ur wedding.
U r a nice person…
but..U have to do 2 things early in the morning…
1st. pray to God so that u can live….
2nd.take a bath so that others can live….
Judge: why did u shoot ur wife
instead of shooting her lover?
Man: Your honor,
it’s easier to shoot a woman once,
than shooting one man every week.
Teacher : Correct the sentence,
“A bull and a cow is grazing in the field”
Student : “A cow and a bull is grazing in the field”
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
True Love is like a pillow.
U could HUG it when Ur in trouble.
U could CRY on it when Ur in pain.
U could EMBRACE it when Ur happy.
Want True Love?
Spend Rs.50 buy a Pillow.
When u feel sad….
To cheer up just go to the mirror and say,
“damn I am really so cute”
u will overcome your sadness.
But don’t make this a habit…..
Coz liars go to hell !!!!
A beautiful girl goes to Professor cabin
And
Say that i will do anything to pass in the exams
and professor says
NOW OPEN YOUR
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Books And Study
Difference between Friend & Wife
U can Tell ur Friend
“U r my Best Friend”
But
Do u have courage tell to ur Wife
“U r my Best Wife?”
Misuse of English!
A Diagram in A Book Was Not Clear
So the Teacher Drew The Diagram On Da Blackboard
&
said:
“Don’t Look At The Book Figure,Look At My Figure”:D
Fact about women:
They can see a hair of a girl
on their husband’s coat from 20 meters,
but can’t see a pillar from 2 meters
while parking a car . . . 
READ THIS SCARY STORY IF YOU DARE.
On a rainy day,
an old man was standing with a book for sale.
A young man came to buy.
He bought the book for Rs.3000.
Old man advised
“DON’T OPEN LAST PAGE OF THE BOOK otherwise YOU’ll face problem”
Man finished the book with great fear but didn’t open the last page.
.
.
.
But,after a week,
Out of curiosity he opened the last page and..
he almost fainted to see..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Retail Price: Rs 30/-
In a practical Exam
Examiner showed legs of bird n said: Tell the bird’s name
Man: I don’t know
Examiner: U r failed. Whats Ur name?
Man: You see my legs, and tell me.
Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream
That u were sending me
Jewelry and clothes!
Husband: yeah, I saw
your dad paying the bill !!!
I just feel u….
Whenever I feel u….
I just miss u …..
Whenever i miss u ….
I just wanna See u ….
Do u know why…….
A person who surrenders when he’s WRONG,
is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE,
is WISE.
A person who surrenders even if he’s RIGHT,
is a HUSBAND.!
A recently fired
stock trader said …
“This is worse than divorce…
I have lost everything
and
I still have my wife…”
Q: Do u know y in a couple’s photo
man is on d right side & woman on d left?
A: Coz as per balance sheet, Liabilities r on d
Left Side & Assets on d Right!
Tom : How should I convey the
news to my father that I’ve failed?
David: You just send a telegram:
Result declared, past year’s performance repeated.
I wrote your name on sand,
it got washed.
I wrote your name in air,
it was blown away.
I wrote your name on my heart &
i got Heart Attack.
Our friendship means a lot to me.
U cry i cry.
U laugh i laugh.
U jump out of the window
I look down & then
.
.
.
I laugh again
Man 1:
“I m Always Delighted
When People Stick Their
Noses In My
Business.”
Man 2:
“Why, What Do You Do?”
Man 1:
“i’ve A Company, Make
Tissue Papers …” ;->
What Happens When
The Elephant Sat On
The Mercedes Car … ???
.
.
.
.
Everyone Knows
“The Mercedes bends” ;->
Have a horrible day without water in ur bathroom,
while soap in ur eyes.
Oh! sorry, dis msg is not 4 u.
Its only 4 those who do not take bath everyday…
If you need advice,
text me…
If you need a friend,
call me…
If you need me,
come to me…
But
If you need money.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED!
Man: Doctor ! My Son has swallowed a key.
Doctor: When ?
Man: Three Months Ago
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Man: We were using duplicate key
We will now upgrade your brain,
please wait….
Searching….
searching…
still searching….
Sorry,
NO BRAIN found…!
Open with Love…
If I disturb U
I am Sorry!
But I need
To Say
I…
Love…
Disturbing you…
><(((:>
I send you this fish
as a sign of our
FRIENDSHIP please
take care of it, Keep it
in your mobile.
Daily put your mobile in water,
So that this fish won’t die.
Teacher told all students
in a class to write an essay
on a cricket match.
All were busy writing except one student.
He wrote No match, due to rain!!!
Today, tomorrow and yesterday there will be,
one heart that would always beat for you,
You know Whose??? your Own Stupid!!!
Can u pronounce good English:- read along woof,
roof, loof, shoof, shoof, woof, loof, roof,
poof, woof woof, hoof, woof, roof, shoof.

Test results: U r a good dog. Now stop barking.
3 Facts in the world
1st fact – can you touch all your teeth with your tongue
2nd fact – after reading this all fools will try
3rd fact – now they will smile
System of love:
Jan – Rose
Feb – Propose
Mar – Gift
April – Lift
May – Chating
June – Dating
July – Kiss
Aug – Miss
Sept – Drop
Oct – Escape
Nov – Rest
Dec – Next
Do u know how to entertain Foolish/Stupid peoples
* PRESS DOWN *
>
< >
* PRESS UP *
u r many kilometers away from me. still i m watching ur every move through 3 different channels
1. pogo
2. cartoon network
3. animal planet
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
3 ways to catch tiger
Newton : allow tiger to catch u & catch it
Einstein : chase until it became tired then catch.
Police: catch a cat & beat until it accepts that it is tiger
Son : Dad, are you getting taller?
Dad : No, why do you ask?
Son : Because your head is growing through your hair!
Raj : What is your baby brother name?
Raju : I don’t know he can’t talk yet
Tina : We should use soap to keep our body clean.
What should we do to keep our heart clean?
Mona: I don’t know. Probably we must eat the soap.
Ric: What sort of a car has your dad got?
Avi: I can not remember the name. I think it starts with T.
Ric: Really – Ours only starts with petrol.
Teacher: What is the meaning of a school?
Tom: A school is a place where father pays and the child plays!
Santa & Banta got tired of mobile & decide 2 use pigeons.
One day a pigeon reaches Banta without message.
Angry Banta calls Santa!
Santa: Man, this was a missed call
BEAUTY TIP:
If U want 2 protect your face from dust,sunrise & other such things, then apply
When you get this SMS,
send it to 1 person u love,
1 u hate, 1 u always think of
and 1 u wish to kill.
Now, keep guessing why I sent it to u.
God made man and then rested, god made women and then no one rested.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if doctor is cute, forget the fruit.
Why do men fart more often than women?
A: Because women do not keep their mouth shut long enough to build up the pressure.
When i open my eyes every morning i pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you Are Why should only i suffer!
Sweet candies are nice to eat, Sweet words are easy to say, but, sweet ppl are hard to find, OH MY GOD! how did u find me?
How to kill a girl?
Ans: give her a beautiful dress, nice jewelery, costly cosmotics… and “Lock her in a room without a mirror”
Mon to Sun, From Jan To Dec, From birth till my death, my feelings 4 u have never changed. For me, you’ve always been a headache!
Classroom is like a train… 1st 2 benches are 4 VIP executives…middle 2 benches are general compartments & last 2 benches are sleeper coaches.
The more I learn the more I get to know, the more I know the more I forget, the more I forget the less I know, so why should I be learning??
If you are in tension, If nothing seems right, If u find no way out, Then just think of me only once, I will be always there to INCREASE your tensions.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. The husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.
Boy: Ur d sunshine, without u, life is a dreamy cloud. Ur in my heart, like d cloud wind in d sky.
Girl: is this a proposal or weather report??
Pledge Of Boys:
India is my nation, girls r my destination, dating is my occupation, flirting is my profession, what the hell is this education?
We will now upgrade your brain, please wait….Searching….searching…still searching….sorry,NO BRAIN found…!
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Never let a man’s mind wander, it’s too little to be out on it’s own!!!!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Jesus loves you… everyone else think you’re an asshole…
Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis…… ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry.
Never let a man’s mind wander, it’s too little to be out on it’s own!!!!
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
Why were males created before females? you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing?
I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing
If all you want is a compilation of Top Sweet Cute Text Messages to send to your Boyfriend or Girlfriend, you are sure in the right place for that. We will always be here to give you the best as long as you want the best and as long as you would be here.
I don’t think I ever for once did fall short of what to write as a text message to send to my lady. Think about any type of love text messages and poems, and I have sent them to her (my lady). I only don’t send love messages to her on the occasions that I don’t feel like, and this bothers her so much. I feel sorry for all those times. And here are you too. You might not know how much this means to your lover, but I will tell you, if you will agree with me, that it matters a lot!
Chances are that you are short of ideas to use in making your romantic relationship… Just know that, making a relationship work is not is not a lifetime course: you only need to do simple things in spectacular ways. And that is why you are here. That is why we are here for you too.
Feel free to use any of these Sweet Text Messages for your lover. Send it to them as an assurance of your love for them. And if you love these collection of Sweet Text Messages, we encourage you to share it with your friends on Facebook and on Twitter. Please don't share if it doesn't make sense to you. Thanks for coming.
Does This Describe Your Lover?
I just came to tell a bit of your love for me today. I wish I can tell it all. I remember when I used to think that love comes in package of romantic moments and equal amount of sad moments. Then I thought love was never going to give one whatever one wants. I even saw it as a means to devalue and even deface the best of hearts. I thought I was right, but you proved me wrong. Thanks for loving me. I love you too.
Think u r sitting in front of computer, what wil computr think? ..... ... ... ... ... Intel inside mental Outside.
 "Why don't you give your husband a divorce?" ..... ... ..."What, I have lived with him for tenyears and now I should make him happy?"
"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?" ... ... "Yes if you're lucky."
"Has there been any insanity in your family?" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."
"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks." "Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."
"What did one ghost say to another?" .. .."Do you believe in people?"
"What do use for washing dishes?" .."Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."
"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?" ... .. "I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."
“F#CK It.” – My final thought before making most decisions.
“I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional
1st sardar: Mumbai is the best city, ALL Free, Pickup, Drop, Food, Drink, Hotel even Sex. 2nd sardar:When did u go? 1st sardar:Not me, my wife went, she told me.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
80% boys have a girlfriend and rest have a brain...
A 65 yrs women & 27 yrs young man got married.Whole night they live 2gethar.Next morning the young man died.The portmortem report flashed,"The man died 4 expired milk".
A blond woman picks up a 100. Was it a smart or a ... ...stupid blondone? ...................... stupid of course, there are no others
A couple drove down the highway just a quarrel. Some pigs were passing by the road. Wife asked: Relatives of yours? Husbandreplied: Yeah, in-laws!
A frog phoned the psychic hotline and was told: You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you. FROG: This isgreat! Will I meet her in a party or what? PSYCHIC: No, next semester in her biology class!
A girl ask a hujur, can I kiss a boy? Hujur: Astagfirulla! Girl: can I kiss my boyfriend? Hujur: Naojubilla. Girl: can I kiss u? Hujur: Alhamdulillah!!!
A man & monkey went to river for bath.Man removed all clothes.Monkey started laughing... Man asked "Why are you laughing?" Monkey said "You have a tail in the front ha ha ha..."
A man was dying of cancer. His sonasked him:dad why do you keepontelling everyone that your dying of AIDS.He replied"So that when i die no 1 will fuck ur mom

A modern artist is one who throwspaint on canvas, wipes it off with acloth and sells the cloth.
A mother waiting anxiously for her son on the last day of the term. MOM: At lgst you are home! Where is your report? SON: I haven't got it. MOM: How come? SON: I lent it to my friend. MOM: And why does need it? SON: He wants to scare his parents with it!
A newly married girl got 1st class in B.Ed exams. Her husband sent telegram to her parents - BRISTI FIRST CLASS IN BED !!
Aaaaand I’m already over this day.

After a quarrel, wife said to husband: You know, I was a fool when I married you. Husband replied: Yes dear, but I was in love and didn´t notice!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Always start your day with a lot of... S E X S - SMILE E - ENERGY X - XCITEMENT so make S E X a daily habit, and you"ll always B SUCSEXFUL! in LIFE. "
An American comedian said: Peoplf say New Yorkes can't get along. Not true. I saw 2 coplete strangers sharing a cab. One took the tyres and other took the stereo!
Asking if I’m hungry is like asking if I want money. The answer is always YES.
AwesoME ends with ME and Ugly starts with U.
Be f#%king polite. Please.
Beautiful people are not always good, but good people are always beautiful.
Behind every crazy women is a man who made her that way.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
BOSS: Do you believe in life after death? EMPLOYEE: Yes, sir. BOSS: Good, when you took leave for your grandma's funeral, she visited our office!
Brains are wonderful, why don't have everyone.
Bride's dad hands a note the groom: "GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE". Groom gave another note back to him "CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN".
Bruce Lee´s favourites: Vegetable- MU LEE Breakfast-ID LEE Festival-DIWA LEE Actress-SONA LEE Music-QAWWA LEE!
But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now Ianswer it whether it rings or not.
Car headlights should flash at the same time the horn is pressed to alert people with hearing difficulties.
Children who watch TV every night will go down in history not to mention arithmetic, geography and science!
Common sense is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.

Dear Google, please stop behaving like a GIRL. Will you please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.
Dhritarashtra said to his wife:Thanks for giving me 100 sons. She replied: If you were not blind, it would not have been possible!
Did anyone else get the email about them canceling school next week?
Diets are hard because I get hungry.
Difference between Good & Bad Girls. Good Girls open a few button in hot atmosphere. But the Bad Girls open all buttons to make the atmosphere hot
Do you still hate me? I don't care!
Doctors may be right when they tell us that garlic ensures a long and healthy life. But who wants to live that long and be so lonely?!
Doing nothing is very hard thing to do…you never know when to finish.
Don’t grow up. It’s a trap.
Don’t jump to confusions.
Enjoy your life. There's is plenty of time to be dead.
Every man before marriage is line AIRTEL: Aisi azadi aur kahan. After marriage he is like HUTCH: Wherever you go the network follows
Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.
Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Facebook is the refrigerator of the internet. I keep going back to it expecting something to appear that I’ll enjoy.
Few things turn me on like good grammar.
Galileo used 2 study in smal lamp. Graham bell used 2 study in candle light. Shakspeare used 2 study in street light. I don't know why they didn't study at day time.
God is really creative, I mean...just look at me :P
God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China.
He said...Do u love me just coz of my father left me a fortune? She said...No stupid! I'd love u no matter who left u the money!
He was a good man . Never smoked, drank and no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim. They said,'he who never lived, can't die.
Honesty may be the best policy but there some people who don´t seem to think they can afford the best!
How do people write an auto biography? I can barley remember what I had for lunch yesterday.
I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice.
I don’t care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive.
I don't get drunk, I get awesome. 3 mistakes of everyone’s life: Facebook, Twitter and Whatsapp
I feel bad for the people who change their birthday for April Fools Day and then their mom wishes them Happy Birthday :)
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
I like my coffee like I like my oxygen – CONSTANT.
I love food and sleep. If I give you a bit of food or text you all night, that means something.
I love my job only when I’m on vacation.
I think my iPhone is not working. I pressed the home button and I’m still at school.
I trust a lot of people not to kill me every day.
I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.
I will marry the girl, who look pretty in her Adhaar card.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
I’m happy as long as I’m not hungry.
I’m having trouble telling if it’s killing me or making me stronger.
I’m pretty sure my dogs only sit in the window and watch me leave so they know when it is safe to sit on the couch.
I’ve been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea who uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button
If Monday had a face, I would punch it.
If you can't Change a Girl.....Change the Girl.
If you have no voice: SCREAM...... If you have no legs: RUN......... If you have no hope: INVENT…
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I'm not lazy, I'm just on my energy saving mode.
In a physics class, the teacherboiled some water. When the water startee boiling & making a noise, he asked: Why is the water making this noise Johnny? JOHNNY:That's the germs screaming beforethey are boiled!
Indian earthquake kills 50 000! USA sending food. Australia sending clothes. Britain sending ...... ... Replacements!
It is difficult to understand God, he makes such beautiful things as woman and then he turns them into wives.
It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!
Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?" Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."
Just because I don’t care, doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
Just saw the most smartest person when I was in front of the mirror.
Life is a paradox isn´t it ? What you want you don´t get. What you get you don´t enjoy. What is permanent is boring!
Life is onetime offers use it well.
Life is short. Buy the damn shoes.
Life is short…smile while you still have teeth.
Man says to his wife : Let me take apicture of your breasts, than I can always look at them. Wife : Let me take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged.
Man: I would really like to get into your pants. Woman: No thanks. There's already one asshole in there.
MAN: My family is like a nation. My wife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war and my daugher is foreign secretary. CO- WORKER: Sounds interesting! And what is your position? MAN: I'm the people. All I do is pay!
Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order your choice from the menu and then look at the neighbouring table and wish you had ordered that!
Marriage means silent suicide.
Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an ass.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing.
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this right time we shud talk abt sex. Daughter: Sure mom, tell me wat u want to know. Mom:##??!!
My boyfriend asked me for anal so I colour coordinated his sock drawer. I know what men want.
My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
My friend has a fine watch dog. At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.
My goal in life isn’t to become famous or powerful…it’s to make enough money to eat whatever I want.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend.
My study period = 15 minutes. My break time = 3 hours
Nepoleon: there is no such word as 'impossible' in my dictionary. Mr. Bean: then why the hell did u buy it....
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Never let anyone tell you you’re too young to do something. A baby shark is still a f#%king shark.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana.
Never think of the past,it brings tears Never think of the future,it brings fears live life in the present and drink chilled beers..
NEWS FLASH snow white has been thrown out disneyland. she pulled up her skirt, sat on pinnochios face & shouted lie u bastard, lie, lie!
No one is ever “just kidding”.
pappu found ans. to the most difficult que. ever wt comes 1st-d chicken or d egg? o yr jiska ordr pehele doge vo ayega.
People said to follow your dreams so i went back to bed.
People say everything happens for a reason. So when I punch you in the face, remember I have a reason.
Please be patient even a toilet can handle only one ass hole at a time.
REPORTER: To what do you attribute your success? BUSINESSMAN: I decided to make a honest living and there isn´t much competition!
Room Service? Can you send up a towel?" "Please wait someone else is using it."
Rules are made to be break.
Save Water, Drink Beer!
Silent people have the craziest minds.
Some days you can’t play the music loud enough.
Some people should just give up at engineering or medical. Like I have!
Some realties of love: u love someone u marry someone else. The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband and the one u loved becomes the password of ur mail id.
SON: What is the difference between confidence and confidential? FATHER: I know that you are my son, that is confidence. Your friend is also my son, that is confidential!
Stop looking for trouble. I’m right here.
Sure, your prince might come. But just in case he doesn’t, God created wine.
Teacher: u know the importance ofperiod? Kid: Ya, once my sister said she hasmissed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.
Teacher: Why cows look depressedwhen they are milked? Student: Madam, if some1 press ur boobs for 2hrs & doesnt f**k u, then how do u feel??
That awkward moment when you realize that “deleting History” is more important than “creating History” nowadays.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
The first day we met,I wanted you in my bed. Today I know better, so I will write it in my letter. In my bedI've seen so many faces, so I'll fuck you at different places.
The judge boomed: Defendant, why are you telling me a completely different story from yesterday? DEFENDANT: Because you didn't believe what I said yesterday!
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
There’s no more dangerous entity on earth than a woman with a lot on her mind and nothing to do but think.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
This is your mobile operator we can see that you are too dump to use your mobile please put it on the floor and start jumping on it
True love is like a pillow.U could hug it whenever u r in trouble. U could cry on it when u r in pain, u could embrace it when u r happy.... Want true love? Easy! Spend 1 dollar, buy a pillow.
Trust me you will dance - Alcohol
Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives. 1st: How urs look like? 2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. Wat abt urs? 1st: Forget mine. Lets find urs!!
Virginity is like a soap bubble, one touch and it is gone.
Wats the height of innocense? A 12year old girl applies pimples cream on her breast!
We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than fat person.
We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
We live in the era of smartphones and stupid peoples.
What do i do when i see someone extremely gorgeous,attractive,terrific, cute, fabulous... I stare, i smile and when i get tired.... i put down the mirror!!
What is the similarity between Circus and a beautiful girls heart? ANS : both have space for one more clown..
When a woman says WHAT? Its not because she didn't hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
When I die, I want my grave to offer free Wifi so that people visit more often.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay inadvance.
When I was a baby, I played with toys. Now I'm a lady and I play with boys!!
When I was a dog, and you were a flower, I walked over you and gaveyou a shower!!
When I was interviewed for ajob, they asked how I´d feel about having a woman as my boss. I replied: Well,I´d feel right at home!
When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…"
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
When two people are arguing and one person says “You know what…” , that argument is about to get awesome!
Whenever I have a problem, I just sing, Then I realize my voice is worse than my problem.
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S? Bcoz people started licking the wrong side.
WIFE: How much do you love me? HUSBAND: Like Shahjahan WIFE: Wow! You mean you will build a Taj Mahal for me after die? HUSBAND: I have already booked a plot for you, the delay is from your side!

Women asked man who is travelling with six children, all these kids are urs?? No, i work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
Women should not have children after 20. Really… 20 children are enough.
Yeah you're really pretty, pretty stupid.
You have the perfect face for radio.
You look like a before picture.
You’re ridiculous. Want to be best friends?
We will now upgrade your brain, please wait….Searching….searching…still searching….sorry,NO BRAIN found…!
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Never let a man’s mind wander, it’s too little to be out on it’s own!!!!
Jesus loves you… everyone else think you’re an asshole…
Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis…… ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry.
Never let a man’s mind wander, it’s too little to be out on it’s own!!!!
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
Why were males created before females? you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing?
I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

Read More
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)