Funny Jokes Messages

A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.  

(_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc    _)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!  

A      -legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".  

A dyslexic man walks into a bra  

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."  

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"  

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"  

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.  

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."  

A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave her one!  

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.  

ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.  

All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.  

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.  

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.  

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing  

Bad sex is better then a good day in school.  

Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.  

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back  

Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.  

Boss: Not you anymore.  

Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.  

Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.  

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?  

Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!  

Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.  

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.  

Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.  

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?  

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.  

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!  

Don't spend $     to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for                    p.  

First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.  

For sale : Air Bags, Used once.  

For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.  

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"  

friendship is like peeing in your pants. every  1   can c it but only u can feel its true warmth.thank u        being the pee in my pants xxxx  

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested  

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!  

He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!  

Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?  

How do you breathe through that thing?  

How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.  

How Dogs and Women are alike..... Neither believe that silence is golden. Neither can balance a checkbook. Both put too much value on kissing.  

How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.  

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!  

I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.  

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.  

I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!  

I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.  

I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...  

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.  

I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!  

I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?  

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.  

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?  

If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?  

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.  

I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING  

I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.  

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.  

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.  

It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.  

I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?  

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.  

Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!  

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.  

Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.  

Knock! Knock! Who's There? A midget who cant reach the doorbell.  

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Atch. Atch who? Bless you.  

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.  

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Doris. Doris who? Doris locked - that's why I knocked.  

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Fanny. Fanny who? Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there? Every time I knock.  

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Grandma. Knock! Knock! Who's there? Grandma. Knock! Knock! Who's there? Grandma. Knock! Knock! Who's there? Aunt. Aunt who? Aunt you glad Grandma's gone?  

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry, Butch, and Jimmy. Harry, Butch and Jimmy who? Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.  

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and let me in!  

Knock! Knock! Who's there? I

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Ivor. Ivor who? Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.  

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it's cold out here.  

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Madam. Madam who? Madam key broke in the lock.  

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Mister. Mister who? Mister last bus home.  

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Mummy. Mummy who? Mummeasles are better so can I come in?  

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive across the road.  

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I called by?  

Knock! Knock! Who's there? York. York who? York coming over to my place tonight?  

Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!  

Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering  

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.  

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.  

My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...  

My Reality Check bounced.  

Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!  

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.  

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.  

Popeye beat the crap outta him.

Q: How did the Pollack burn his face?Bobbing for french fries.  

Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? We don't know. Never happens.  

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.  

Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?An fucking know it all.  

Q: What does a blonde owl say? What, what?  

Q: What does a blonde owl say?What, what?  

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?Her IQ goes up.  

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?There have been sightings of UFOs.  

Q: What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag? Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you carry groceries in.  

Q: What's difference between Yogurt and Australia?One has a real live culture.  

Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.  

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.  

The longest sentence known to man: "I do."  

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.  

Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams.7..  

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.  

There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 12 months pregnant.  

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog,5 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.  

T-MOBILE regrets  2    inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret      inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network  

Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!  

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.  

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"  

Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.  

Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!  

We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry,NO BRAIN found...!  

What are   2    words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!  

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...  

What did the elephant say to the naked man?  

What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing?  

What do Germans use for birth control? Their personalities!  

What do you call a handcuffed man? - Trustworthy.  

What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.  

What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German? A man who's too drunk to follow orders.  

What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.  

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?  

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? You don't, you've told her twice already!  

What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?  

What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat the crap outta him.  

What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!  

What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women.  

What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!  

Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.  

What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle? If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.  

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? - E.T. phoned home.  

What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors  

What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant  

Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!  

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!  

Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.  

Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.  

Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.  

Why were males created before females?  

Why'd the couple stop after  4  children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.  

WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

You don't, you've told her twice already!

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.   

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.