Funny English Jokes - 2

The Birthday Present A woman needed to buy her mother a birthday present. She didn’t know what to buy her mother. She only had one day to buy her mother something. So she went out window shopping. Soon enough, she walked by a pet store window. She thought to herself, “What a lovely idea for a present! My mother is so lonely and she needs a pet.” The woman went into the store and saw many wonderful animals. Puppy dogs, fluffy cats, gold fish, cute mice. But the woman didn’t think these were special enough. She asked the manager if he had a pet that was really special. The manager thought for a moment and replied, “Yes, but it costs a lot of money. $5,000” “I have a parrot that can speak 7 languages, Chinese, English, French, Korean, German, Russian and even Hindi!” The woman said, “Perfect” and bought the bird. She sent it by special delivery to her mother, so she would get it the next day. The next evening after work, the woman called her mother. She asked, “How do you like your birthday present.” Her mother replied, “Thank you, IT’S DELICIOUS!”

It is the butcher !! An old woman was lonely. She decided to get a pet. She didn’t have much money so she went to a second hand pet shop. She saw many animals: a three legged cat, a dog without a tail, fish that could only swim backwards and a beautiful bird that could only say one thing, “Who is it?”. She decided to buy the bird. She bought a cage for her bird and went home. She put the bird by the door and went downtown to do some shopping. While she was gone, a man knocked on the door. “Who is it?” replied the parrot. “It’s the butcher,” he said. “Who is it?”, repeated the bird. “It’s the butcher,” said the man. “Who is it?” asked the parrot. “It’s the butcher!!,”, said the man angrily. “Who is it?” “It’s the butcher!!!!”, he screamed. “Who is it?” “It’s the butcher, the butcher, the butch...” Suddenly the butcher fell to the floor. He had had a heart attack. Later that day, the old woman came home and found the man laying on her doorstep. She opened her door and asked the parrot, “Who is it?” . The parrot replied, “It’s the butcher!”

Onions and Garlics Long ago there lived two brothers. Joshua and Eli. They lived on a farm and were very poor. Joshua worked hard ever day. Eli was lazy and didn’t like towork. One day, Joshua heard of a kingdom far away. This kingdom didn’t have onions! Hmmmm, thought Joshua. If I could sell them onions, they’d pay a lot of money! He asked to see the king and was granted an audience. Joshua told the king about the onions and the king was curious. He invited Joshua to make a big feast with many dishes prepared with onions. That evening, the king and his guests tasted the dishes. Everyone agreed, the onion made everything taste so much better! The king smiled from ear to ear. He said to Joshua, “Theseonions are the most precious thing in my kingdom. In return for them, I will give you their equal weight in the most precious thing I have – diamonds.” Joshua was instantly rich and returned to his village with a wagon full of diamonds. Joshua shared his wealth but his brother Eli was still very jealous. He asked Joshua if this kingdom has garlic. Joshua thought and said, “In fact, they don’t have any garlic.” Hmmmm, thought Eli. If I could sell them garlic, I’d be very rich indeed. Garlic is much tastier than onions. Eli traveled to the kingdom as his brother had done. Just like Joshua, he got an audience with the king and made a feast. And just like Joshua, the king declared garlic the most precious thing in his kingdom. It was a big hit! The king said, “ I will give you their equal weight in the most precious thing in my kingdom.”  Here you are – Onions!

The Lion One day a lion was walking through the jungle. He was young and very proud. He met a snake and said, “Who is the king of the jungle?” The snake said, “You are.” It did not make the lion angry and he smiled. Thirty metres later, he met a monkey and asked, “Monkey, Who is the king of the jungle?” The monkey said quickly, “You are.” The lion smiled and continued on his way.Next, the lion met a crocodile. He stopped and asked the crocodile, “Who is the king of the jungle?” The crocodile didn’t answer so the lion roared very loudly. “WHO IS THE KINGOF THE JUNGLE?” The crocodile answered quickly, “You are.” The lion was satisfied and said, “Next time, answer quickly or I will eat you!” Finally, the lion met an elephant. He stopped, looked angrily at the elephant and asked, “Elephant, who is king of the jungle?” The elephant picked up the lion with his trunk and dropped him to the ground. The elephant kicked the lion and then jumped on top of him. The lion was very surprised and hurt. He got up, shook the dirt off and shouted, “YOU DON’T HAVE TO GET ANGRY JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER!”

The Spy Nigel Cavendish was a famous British spy. For over 20 years he went on important missions andstole important secrets from countries all over the world. However, his luck ran out. One day, he was captured by the Russian government. The British government said they didn’t know anything about him. He was taken to court and sentenced to death by firing squad. On the day of his execution the weather was terrible. It was raining cats and dogs and there was a cold north wind blowing fiercely. The guards came to his prison cell and led him outside. They walked in the pouring, cold rain for almost half a kilometre. It was muddy, they were soaked andfreezing to death. They put Nigel up against the wall and lined up to shoot him. They asked him if he had any last words to say. Nigel said, “What horrible men you are – to bring me out to be shot on such a horrible day.” One soldier looked up at the dark sky and said, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT! WE HAVE TO WALK BACK!”

The Shopkeeper Once there was a Korean shopkeeper named Mr. Park. He lived in New York and had had a small corner store for 45 years. He worked very hard, 16 hours every day and he never took a holiday. One day, his daughter arrived at the store and found Mr. Park lying on the floor. He had had a heart attack! She called 911 and he was rushed to the hospital. He survived and was very weak, resting in the hospital. A day later he awoke and slowly looked around his hospital room. He asked in a weak voice, “Are you there, my dear wife?” “Yes,” she replied “I am here my dearest.” Mr. Park asked, “Are you here, my oldest son?” “Yes, I am here.” replied his oldest son. “Are you here, my daughter?” Mr. Park asked in a faint voice. “Yes, father, I am here.” the daughter replied with a tear in her eye. “Are you here, my youngest son?” asked Mr. Park. “Yes, papa. I am here by your side.” said the baby of the family. Suddenly Mr. Park’s eyes grew big and threw off the bed covers and jumped up, screaming, “SO THEN, WHO IS WATCHING THE STORE!”

The Lawyer and the Lexus A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officershook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"