Funny English Jokes -1

Penguins Going to the Zoo A truck driver was driving 100 penguins to the New York Zoo when his truck broke down on the freeway. The driver got out of the cab and was looking at the engine when a second truck driver stopped in front of him and asked if he needed any help. The penguins' driver explained that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asked if the other man would take the penguins there. He agreed. Some hours later, the second truck driver drove past the first one, who was still waiting on the freeway for help to come. The penguins, however, were still on the truck! "I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver. The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now."

The Cookies !! One day, while my friend and I were traveling through Germany, we were veryhungry but we didn't have a lot of money. We decided to stop at a village marketto get a few groceries. I chose some cookies and went to the front counter to pay. Near the counter I saw some packaged cookies in a large bin. They looked good and were a lot cheaper than the ones I had in my hand, so I took them instead. We left the store and looked for a place where we could eat. We found a quiet place under a tree and we ate our sandwiches first, and then the cookies. We thought they were great. "Let's get these again," I said. "They're cheap and they really taste good." My friend can read some German, but I can't, so I gave her the package so she could look for the brand name. She looked at it and then started to laugh "Why are you laughing?" I asked. "Because they're dog biscuits!" she said.

Picasso (A True Story) One day, a famous art collector was having a party. He had many famous paintings on his walls. He saw one man studying his favourite painting which was above his fireplace. He said to the man, “This is a real Picasso.”. The man shook his head. He said, “I am an art expert. This definitely isn’t a real Picasso. It is a fake.” The art collector was shocked. He called up his agent and asked to have a personal appointment with Picasso.The meeting was arranged and he flew to Paris. He went directly to Picasso’s studio and after climbing the stairs, knocked on the door. Picasso shouted, “Come in!”. Picasso was busy painting a large painting. He quickly looked over his shoulder and asked, “What is it? I’m busy.” The art collector said, “Mr. Picasso I only have one quick question. Can you please look at this painting and tell me if it is a fake?” Picasso looked over his shoulder at it and quickly snapped, “It is a fake”. The collector thanked Picasso and left. One year later, the collector returned to Picasso’s studio. He walked up the stairs and knocked on the door. Picasso was busy painting and he angrily asked, “What is it?!” The art collector said, “Picasso, sorry to interrupt but I have just one question. Can you look at this painting and tell me if it is a fake?” Picasso looked over his shoulder and quickly replied, “It is a fake!” The man was shocked, he said, “It can’t be! I was here last year and saw you, yourself, painting this very painting!Picasso turned around and said, “Sometimes I paint fakes.

Stevie Wonder One day, Stevie Wonder (the blind singer), came to Toronto to perform. He was taken to his hotel room. He decided to take a nap but didn’t like the sheets, he wanted silk sheets. Rather than bother the hotel staff, he decided to go buy some himself. He asked his personal manager if there was a store nearby where he could buy silk sheets. The manager replied, “Yes, there is a big department store. It is called, Canadian Tire. I can go buy you some.” Stevie Wonder didn’t want to bother his manager. He said, “Just take me there, I can get them. I want the right kind.” So the manager took Stevie Wonder to the car and they drove to Canadian Tire. Upon arriving, Stevie Wonder got out of the car and his manager tried to help him. Stevie Wonder said, “Let me go alone, I can do it by myself.” Stevie Wonder went into the department store and went to the back. All the staff was looking at him, whispering and pointing. “Oh my god! It is Stevie Wonder!” Stevie Wonder was feeling around and things were crashing to the floor, everything was falling everywhere as he searched. The store manager went to his employees and said, “Someone quick, go help Mr. Wonder!” A young teenager said , “I will”. He went to the back of the store where Stevie Wonder was busy crashing things to the floor and searching blindly. The young clerk tapped Stevie Wonder on the shoulder and asked, “May I help you Mr. Wonder? “ Stevie Wonder turned around, shook his head and said, “NO, I’M JUST LOOKING”

The Fish Tale It was a cold winter day when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM!, a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've beenhere for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" To which the boy responded, "roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" The old man asked. Again the boy responded, "roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look" said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying." So the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!

The Suicides An American, A Frenchman and a Korean were working on a skyscraper being built in Seoul. They worked hard all morning. When it was lunch, they took the elevator up to the top of the very high building and sat on the edge eating their lunches. The American opened his lunch box and said, “Damn! Peanut butter and jam sandwiches again! If I get peanut butter and jam again, I’m gonna jump off this building.” The Frenchman opened up his lunch. “Mon Dieu! Cheese sandwiches again! If I get cheesesandwiches again, I’m gonna jump off this building.” The Korean opened up his lunch box. “Shxxxxx! Kimchee. If I get kimchee again for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.” The next day, the 3 men did the same thing. They worked hard all morning and then went up to the top of the building, sat on the edge and began to eat lunch. The Korean looked in his lunch box first. “Shexxxx! Kimchee!” He stood up and jumped off the building. The American looked in his lunch box. “Damn! Peanut butter and jam!” He stood up and jumped off the building. The Frenchman looked in his lunch box. “Merde! Cheese sandwiches!” He stood up and jumped off the building. The next day, the newspapers were full of stories about the 3 construction workers who killedthemselves. Everyone wondered why? Even the police had no answers. A few days later at the funeral for the men, the 3 wives were talking. The Korean’s wife said, “I don’t understand. He loved kimchee and always asked me for it.”The American’s wife said, “I don’t understand either. He loved peanut butter since he was a young boy.” The Frenchman’s wife said, “I don’t understand either. HE MADE HIS OWN LUNCH EVERYDAY!

The Genie A Frenchman, an Englishman and a German were travelling in a boat from France to Australia. Unfortunately, the boat sank but the three men swam to a small island. There was nobody on the island and the men waited for two months. No boat came to rescue them. They were very unhappy. “We will have to live here forever.” said the Englishman “ We will have to eat bananas every day.” said the German “We will never see our families again.” said the Frenchman. One day, while walking along the beach, they found a bottle. They opened the bottle and out came a genie. The genie said, “Thank you for letting me out of the bottle. I was inside for 500 years! Now I am free. I will give you each one wish.” The German said, “I want to be back in German at a soccer game. With a beer and sausage and singing songs in the stadium.” “POOF”, “Your wish is granted” said the genie. The German was back in Germany. The Frenchman said, “I want to be at the dinner table with my family in France, eating cheese, drinking wine.” “POOF”, “Your wish is granted” said the genie. The Frenchman was back in France. The Englishman just looked at the genie. The genie said, “Hurry up! I want to enjoy my freedom.” The Englishman thought for a moment and said, “I am rather lonely here. Can you bring back my two friends?” “Poof”, the German and the Frenchman were back on theisland.