22 November 2015

Funny Messages-2

11/22/2015 04:35:00 AM  ,  No comments
My eyes detected My heart reacted Thousand were rejected & Only you were selected. Because I needed a monkey for an advertisement.
Do u know what is GIRL?
G-Ghost
I-In
R-Real
L-Life
So avoid girls & fwd their nos to me.Don’t worry about me. I’m a professional in ghost handling……
A pathan want to commit suicide, When asked: Why are you crying? Pathan said: My wife ran with my Best Friend & i can”t live without my friend.
Today is International Handsome Boys and Beautiful Girls day! So send this message to someone who looks smart and cute… Be true.. Don’t cheat like me
What is 143 ?
I love u.. No..
I hate u.. No..
I miss u.. No..
I wish u.. NO..
143 means
ONE HUNDRED & FORTY THREE.
Concentrate on Maths,
And not on Romance:)
Evolution of Man:
Without Marriage “Spider Man”
On Marriage Day “Super Man”
After Marriage “Gentle Man”
If wife is beautiful then rest of life

“Watch Man”
Things in boys room! Before Marriage: Perfumes Love Letters Gifts Friendship Cards After Marriage: Pain Killers Loan Papers Unpaid Bills List for Shopping Happy Unmarried Life.
Never ask for hug, Just take it. Never ask do you love me, Just say I love you. Never say I can’t live without you, Just say I live for you. You have been trained. Now go and flirt.
Wife: I am the book of your life.
Husband: Yes exactly you are right.
If you were a calendar of my life,
then once a year I’ll change it.
Girl: Will you love me after marriage also?
Boy: This depends on your husband, if he allows me.
If every child starts swapping their mummy papa mobile phones. Soon we will become the country with the highest divorce rate!
Laugh, until U have teeth.. U can Smile Later!!!
Awesome Saying:
In Life,Don’t Be A Rat In A Rat Race Coz Even If You Win You’ll Still Be A Rat, Instead Be With Lions, Even If You Lose You’ll Still Be A Lion!
What’s the similarity between Income Tax and a Caller Tune?

In both the cases, one pays the money and others enjoy.
Human-beings get rich as they grow old:
Silver in Hair;
Gold in Teeth;
Sugar in Blood;
Precious Stones in Kidney;
And a never ending supply of Gas!
I bought a new printer because it was cheaper than ink refills. Now I’m wondering how long before new cars are cheaper than fuel.
A newly wedded desperate soldier sends a hand-grenade to his mother-in-law, with a note:
Dearest Mom, If you pull this ring, I’ll be able to get 3 days leave.
A teacher sent a note to Pappu’s mother:
“Sincere and bright boy but spends too much time with girls.” Pappu’s mother sent a note back: “Please advise solution, father has same problem!”
Bunty to his friend, “I and Sham were stuck on the escalator for almost 4 hours.
Friend: Why didn’t you walk down?
Bunty: Because we were going up!…………..
Bunty : The mudpack definitely improved my wife’s looks but then…
Sham : Then what happened?
Bunty : It fell off……………..
Why Are Elephants
Large, Gray And
Wrinkly… ?

Because

If They Were
Small Round & White
They Would Be
”Aspirins” ;->
Boy U r d Sunshine
Of My Life !
Without U Life’s Like A
Dreamy Cloud !
U r In My Heart Like A
Lovely Drizzle In d Sun !
Girl: Now Go Further
I’ve 2 Listen More
Weather Report :p
Attitude of girls:
When a boy sends dirty sms she laughs for 10 minutes,
forward dat to her friends n then replies the boy.
“i dont like that kind of sms ok?” :p ;->
Man on phone:
Doctor my wife is pregnant.She is having pain right now.
Doctor: Is this her first child?
Man: No this is her husband speaking…
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: “What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”
Friends I’m Collecting Quad Photos Give Ur Contribution 2 My Collection.
A Small Condition Is It Must Be On 500 Or 1000 Rupees Note
Teacher:
What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Tommy:
A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
Define a True Music Lover?
A Girl singing in a Bathroom
While Taking Bath and a Boy Near the Keyhole is Using His Ears Not His Eyes.
Teacher says to student, In Algebra
A=B & B=C.
It means A=C.
143 means?
Do u want to know
what it means?
Press Down..

It means
ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE.
Tomorrow I will teach u 144.
Now give relevant example.
Student: Sir, I love you & You love your daughter,
It means that I love your daughter.
Buyer to seller : is it pure honey ?
How do I know if it is pure honey ?
Seller : give the dog some honey ..
if the dog doesn’t lick it, it is pure honey
Buyer : what if the dog licks it ?
Seller: so it is not a real dog.
Thought of the day:
“if u help a gal when she is in problem, she will always remember u only when she is in problem again..!!”
A very old lady teacher of English ask this question with the class:
When I say “I am beautiful”, which tense is it?
One pupil answered: Its the past tense of course.
Flowers die,
Stories end,
Songs fade,
Memories are forgotten,
All things come 2 end,
But people like u r remembered forever,
Bcoz GHOSTS NEVER DIE
Santa was drawing money from ATM.
Banta, who was just behind him in the line said: I’ve seen ur password. It’s ****.
Sant: U r wrong. It’s 1394.
A man to Santa:
Your friend is kissing your wife in your home.
Santa rushes home and came back within
half an hour and slapped the man and said:
“He’s not my friend.”
1 day u’ll B srprisd 2 c ME beside U.
U & ME laughing,
U & ME crying,
U & ME dreaming,
U & ME holding on,
U & ME…
just U & ME sitting in a MENTAL HOSPITAL & ME CHECKING U.
I always think about U.
I can’t live without U.
I really need U.
I’m totally mad about U.
I just wanna be with U.
I’m crazy 4 U.
I wanna marry U.
I LOVE U.
(My neighbourer say all this to me)
A newly married girl got first class in her B.Ed exams. Her husband sent telegram to her parents – Ruby First Class in Bed!
A Man saw a Beautiful Girl, he Went and Kissed her.
Girl: “STUPID what r u doing?”
Man: B.Com final year”
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that u were a newspapers so I could have
a new one everyday.
A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.
Q: What did the gangster’s son tell his dad when he failed his
examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything.”
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly testimony. “I’ll hear the oldest first,” he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
You should know what you are,
And once you know what you are,
Mental hospital is not so far.
Boy and girl of class 2 asked teacher:
“can kids of our age have kids?”
Teacher replied ” NO Never!!”
Boy said to girl :
“see i told you not to worry!!!!”.
Always start your day with a lot of S E X
S-mile
E-energy
X-excitement
so make SEX a daily habit, & u’ll always be SMILING!
Someday you may lose your hair. you may lose your teeth- your money & even lose your mind.
But 1 thing you will never loose is your good looks.
because you cant lose what you don’t have!
Love is possible after friendship but friendship is not possible after love because medicines work before death later nothing can be cured….!!!
Who‘s hot… Its U,
Who‘s
Charming… Its U,
Who‘s
Sweetest.. Its U,
Who‘s
Intelligent… Its U,
Who‘s dear & near friend… Its U
Who‘s a liar.. Its me
Catch her by her waist…
Bring her home..
Keep ur hand on her neck
Put ur lips on her lips & have a …
…nice drink…PEPSI
2 men were fixing a bomb in a car.
Men 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
Men 2 : Don’t worry, I have a one more.
Hey friend remember that without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty so the world needs YOU after all!
Human brain is the most outstanding object in world.
It functions 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
It functions right from the time we are born, and stop only when we enter the examination hall.
Husband: Today is Sunday &
I have to enjoy it.
So i bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why three?
Husband: 1 For U and 2 for ur parents.
This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, a cat, idiot cat, busy cat, for cat, 20 cat, seconds cat! Now read it all without the word cat!
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
What’s the difference between wife n neighbors wife?
Wife is a chocolate, can have any time. Neighbor’s wife is like an ice-cream, shud hv immediately.
An engineering student to his sweeper brother: I have got degree, I have got knowledge, I can sit in society. What do you have?
Sweeper: I have the job.
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Funny Messages-3

11/22/2015 04:31:00 AM  ,  No comments
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
Gal: Do u have any sentimental love cards?
Shopkeeper: How about this card, it says ‘To the only boy I ever loved’
Gal: Great! I want 10 of them.
Girl: It’s 2 tight
Boy: Don’t worry,I’ll do it slowly,
Gal: Push it in,
Boy: Ah..I can’t,
Gal: It’s painful,
Boy: Forget it.

We’ll buy new WEDDING RING!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it
Impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That’s why I say she’s no good!
Never KISS a lady police,
She will say, hands up.
Never KISS a lady doctor,
She will say, Next please
Always KISS a lady teacher,
She will say, repeat it 5 time
What is the difference between
Monkey & Donkey ?
Monkey saves this message &
Donkey deletes this message.
Choice is u’rs……..:p
Man: Officer! There’s a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don’t worry. If no one claims it
Within three days, you can keep it.
Whats d height of hope??
It is: sitting in d exam hall, holding d question paper in hand
n telling Ur self “dude,don’t worry.
Exams will get postponed!”
Dream makes everything possible, Hope makes everything work, Luv makes everything beautiful, Smile makes all the above… So always Brush ur Teeth
Boy: I am not rich like Sid, I don’t even have a bid car like Sid. But I really love you!
Girl: I love you too, but tell me more about Sid.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife,
You know, I was a fool when I married you.
She replied, Yes dear, I know
but I was in love and didnt notice.
Only true friends stand by u during bad times.
I promise
I will attend ur wedding.
Two devils came in 2 my dreams.
They said, “We want 2 disturb some good person.”
I suggest them your name.
They said, “We cannot disturb our boss.”
TEACHER: Johny, how do you spell “crocodile”?
JOHNY: “K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L”
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
JOHNY: Maybe it’s wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
What? is a difference between a Kiss, a Car and a Monkey?


A kiss is so dear,?
A car is too dear and
A monkey is U dear.
Husband: u will never succeed in making that dog obey u!
Wife: Nonsense it’s only a matter of patience,
I had a lot of trouble with u at first.
Can v do romance in the evening today?
I’m in a good mood
Just a little bit of kissing and biting reply me soon!
urs lovingly
“MOSQUITO”
Last night was my fault, my wife asked, “what’s on the TV?”
and ….. I said, “dust!”
Ladies hostel caught Fire
It took 1 hour to bring the Fire under control
& another 3 hrs 2 bring d Firemen under control.
Man shows his marriage certificate

Chemist: Oh! sorry,
I didn’t knew u had a prescription.
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
Man at medical store:I need poison
Chemist: I can’t sell you that
If I was an artist, you would be my picture!
If I was a poet, you would be my inspiration!
If I was an author you would be my story!
But I’m only a cartoonist!
Do u know whats A B C D E F G?
A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl
Now reverse da order, can u guess the full form of: G F E D C B A ?
Girls Forgets Everything Done & Catches(new) Boy Again.
When u feel lonely and alone & cannot see any one around you, the world seems to be fading away, come along with me
i’ll take u to an eye specialist !!
Teacher : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil : A teacher.
Wife: What is 10 years with me?
Husband: A second.
Wife: What is $1000 for me?
Husband: A coin.
Wife: Ok give me a coin.
Husband: Wait a second
U r a nice person… but..
U have to do 2 things early in the morning…
1st. pray to God so that u can live….
2nd.take a bath so that others can live….
Judge: why did u shoot ur wife instead of shooting her lover?
Man: Your honor, it’s easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
Teacher : Correct the sentence,
“A bull and a cow is grazing in the field”
Student : “A cow and a bull is grazing in the field”
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
True Love is like a pillow.
U could HUG it when Ur in trouble.
U could CRY on it when Ur in pain.
U could EMBRACE it when Ur happy.
Want True Love?
Spend Rs.50 buy a Pillow.
When u feel sad….
To cheer up just go to the mirror and say,
“damn I am really so cute”
u will overcome your sadness.
But don’t make this a habit…..
Coz liars go to hell !!!!
A beautiful girl goes to Professor cabin
And Say that i will do anything to pass in the exams
and professor says
NOW OPEN YOUR

Books And Study
Difference between Friend & Wife
U can Tell ur Friend “U r my Best Friend”
But Do u have courage tell to ur Wife
“U r my Best Wife?”
Misuse of English!
A Diagram in A Book Was Not Clear
So the Teacher Drew The Diagram On Da Blackboard
& said:
“Don’t Look At The Book Figure,Look At My Figure”:D
Fact about women:
They can see a hair of a girl on their husband’s coat from 20 meters, but can’t see a pillar from 2 meters while parking a car . . . 
READ THIS SCARY STORY IF YOU DARE.
On a rainy day, an old man was standing with a book for sale.
A young man came to buy.
He bought the book for Rs.3000.
Old man advised
“DON’T OPEN LAST PAGE OF THE BOOK otherwise YOU’ll face problem”
Man finished the book with great fear but didn’t open the last page.

But,after a week,
Out of curiosity he opened the last page and..
he almost fainted to see..

Retail Price: Rs 30/-
Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream
That u were sending me
Jewelry and clothes!
Husband: yeah, I saw
your dad paying the bill !!!
I just feel u…. Whenever I feel u….
I just miss u ….. Whenever i miss u ….
I just wanna See u …. Do u know why…….
It’s juts because …………
******I LOVE CARTOONS*******
Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.
Everyone must attend it.
Sam: No! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher: Why?
Sam: My mother will not allow me to go so far !!
A person who surrenders when he’s WRONG,
is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE,
is WISE.
A person who surrenders even if he’s RIGHT,
is a HUSBAND.!
In a practical Exam
Examiner showed legs of bird n said: Tell the bird’s name
Man: I don’t know
Examiner: U r failed. Whats Ur name?
Man: You see my legs, and tell me.
Importance of thumb…
Children use it 4 chewing
Illiterate people use it 4 sign
Winners 4 victory
AND My FANS use it 4 reading my messages

Oh….u too…..?
Do u want to hear a dirty joke?

Are you sure?

OK, here you go…

A white horse fell in the mud
A recently fired stock trader said …
“This is worse than divorce…
I have lost everything and
I still have my wife…”
David: You just send a telegram:
Result declared, past year’s performance repeated.
Q: Do u know y in a couple’s photo man is on d right side & woman on d left?
A: Coz as per balance sheet, Liabilities r on d
Left Side & Assets on d Right!
Tom : How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?
I wrote your name on sand, it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
I wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart Attack.
Our friendship means a lot to me.
U cry i cry.
U laugh i laugh.
U jump out of the window
I look down & then

I laugh again
Man 1:
“I m Always Delighted
When People Stick Their
Noses In My Business.”
Man 2:
“Why, What Do You Do?”


Man 1:
“i’ve A Company, Make
Tissue Papers …” ;->
What Happens When
The Elephant Sat On
The Mercedes Car … ???

Everyone Knows
“The Mercedes bends” ;->
Teacher told all students in a class to write an essay
on a cricket match.
Do u know how to entertain Foolish/Stupid peoples

* PRESS DOWN *
>
< >
* PRESS UP *
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Funny Messages-4

11/22/2015 04:24:00 AM  ,  No comments
u r many kilometers away from me. still i m watching ur every move through 3 different channels
1. pogo
2. cartoon network
3. animal planet
Have a horrible day without water in ur bathroom,
while soap in ur eyes.
Oh! sorry, dis msg is not 4 u.
Its only 4 those who do not take bath everyday…
If you need advice, text me…
If you need a friend, call me…
If you need me, come to me…
But If you need money.

THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED!
Man: Doctor ! My Son has swallowed a key.
Doctor: When ?
Man: Three Months Ago
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Man: We were using duplicate key
We will now upgrade your brain, please wait….
Searching…. searching… still searching….
Sorry, NO BRAIN found…!
I send you this fish as a sign of our
FRIENDSHIP please take care of it, Keep it
in your mobile.
Daily put your mobile in water,
So that this fish won’t die.
Open with Love…
If I disturb U
I am Sorry!
But I need
To Say
I…
Love…
Disturbing you…
All were busy writing except one student.
He wrote No match, due to rain!!!
Today, tomorrow and yesterday there will be,
one heart that would always beat for you,
You know Whose??? your Own Stupid!!!
Can u pronounce good English:- read along woof,
roof, loof, shoof, shoof, woof, loof, roof,
poof, woof woof, hoof, woof, roof, shoof.
Test results: U r a good dog. Now stop barking.
3 Facts in the world
1st fact – can you touch all your teeth with your tongue
2nd fact – after reading this all fools will try
3rd fact – now they will smile
System of love:
Jan – Rose
Feb – Propose
Mar – Gift
April – Lift
May – Chating
June – Dating
July – Kiss
Aug – Miss
Sept – Drop
Oct – Escape
Nov – Rest
Dec – Next
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
3 ways to catch tiger
Newton : allow tiger to catch u & catch it
Einstein : chase until it became tired then catch.
Police: catch a cat & beat until it accepts that it is tiger
Son : Dad, are you getting taller?
Dad : No, why do you ask?
Son : Because your head is growing through your hair!
Raj : What is your baby brother name?
Raju : I don’t know he can’t talk yet
Tina : We should use soap to keep our body clean.
What should we do to keep our heart clean?
Mona: I don’t know. Probably we must eat the soap.
Ric: What sort of a car has your dad got?
Avi: I can not remember the name. I think it starts with T.
Ric: Really – Ours only starts with petrol.
Teacher: What is the meaning of a school?
Tom: A school is a place where father pays and the child plays!
Santa & Banta got tired of mobile & decide 2 use pigeons.
One day a pigeon reaches Banta without message.
Angry Banta calls Santa!
Santa: Man, this was a missed call
BEAUTY TIP:
If U want 2 protect your face from dust,sunrise & other such things, then apply
ASIAN PAINTS exterior emulsion 7 years guarantee!
When you get this SMS, send it to 1 person u love,
1 u hate, 1 u always think of and 1 u wish to kill.
Now, keep guessing why I sent it to u.
God made man and then rested, god made women and then no one rested.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if doctor is cute, forget the fruit.
Why do men fart more often than women?
A: Because women do not keep their mouth shut long enough to build up the pressure.
When i open my eyes every morning i pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you Are Why should only i suffer!
Sweet candies are nice to eat, Sweet words are easy to say, but, sweet ppl are hard to find, OH MY GOD! how did u find me?
How to kill a girl?
Ans: give her a beautiful dress, nice jewelery, costly cosmotics… and “Lock her in a room without a mirror”
Mon to Sun, From Jan To Dec, From birth till my death, my feelings 4 u have never changed. For me, you’ve always been a headache!
The more I learn the more I get to know, the more I know the more I forget, the more I forget the less I know, so why should I be learning??
Classroom is like a train… 1st 2 benches are 4 VIP executives…middle 2 benches are general compartments & last 2 benches are sleeper coaches.
If you are in tension, If nothing seems right, If u find no way out, Then just think of me only once, I will be always there to INCREASE your tensions.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. The husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.
Boy: Ur d sunshine, without u, life is a dreamy cloud. Ur in my heart, like d cloud wind in d sky.
Girl: is this a proposal or weather report??
Pledge Of Boys:
India is my nation, girls r my destination, dating is my occupation, flirting is my profession, what the hell is this education?
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